With such long lapses between what I write here, I begin sometimes to forget what I've said and what I haven't. So I feel like I have a tendency to repeat myself more than I do when I'm speaking, even if it isn't true and I barely say anything once, let alone twice. I guess in some ways the point of keeping this journal has changed since it's inception. Back when I started it, close to four years ago it was a place to attempt to work out confusing teenage situations. After that it became sort of a staging area for new ideas that had no formal structure, and because of the friends that read it I had a ready made audience to tell me how terrible they were.
Despite my insistence over time that I don't care who reads what I write here, the truth is that I do. For the most part I feel I know the people who are still looking in on me from time to time to find out what's going on in my head and I care about all of you immmensely. In this crazy mixed up world you're taking some time to attempt an understanding of another's position in life, probably several dozen people. but one of them is me and I feel honored. It is that sentiment that has brought on the current phase my digital journal seems to have come to, a periodic update session on the affairs in my life.
I hope people aren't dissapointed by this change as I would hate to lose my audience, in case I need you guys later (which I probably will). It's just that, for a long time, my inclination to jot my thoughts in this framework has been lackluster. And so at the very least I feel like I should give you all a brief rundown on current events, just so that everyone knows I'm alive.
That means it's time for the update.

I woke up this morning with J'nee. This didn't surprise me, it's happened a few times before. I'm not sure why exactly our morning conversation took a turn for the melodramatic, but it did all the same. It was sometime after I told here about my dream which involved me teaching her how to swim. What I didn't tell her was that I've had that dream before. Only she wasn't the one in the water with me. Along with that skipped fact was also the omission that my previous student had been doing much better. Of course, she didn't ask any questions about my dream, so it fell by the wayside and now the details of it have faded far from my memory and only the vague impression of it remains. By tommorow it is likely that even that will be gone. That's the way it is with dreams, they come and go quickly and when they're gone you often barely notice because they were never really there to begin with.
She began down the "Where are we going?" line of discussion. She told me that I intrigue her and she wants to "know me." I think it's silly, thinking I'm all mysterious or something. Normally I'd be fine with someone going on about how great they think I am, but it didn't stay that way for long. I've tried to be upfront with J'nee that I'm not sure what I want out of the thing we have going. I have no expectations or plans. I've said on more than one occasion to her agreement that her proposed life plan doesn't have much room in it for me. Or at least, not a spot I'd be comfortable filling. And so she came to the part of her diatribe (because that's what it had become) about how I'm just using her and don't really care.
Right there, around 8:30 in the morning I had my big WTF moment for the day. I know for a fact that she went on talking, I was vaguely aware of her voice, but I couldn't get past the accusation. Under other circumstances what she said may have had a ring of truth, though currently it is utterly insane. I mean, I've barely touched her. When I say I woke up with her this morning I mean she slept in my bed. We've kissed before but that's pretty much it. I've never even seen her naked, much less had any kind of sex with her, and definately not the presidential definition.
It boggles my mind how she gets off saying such a thing when I got a call around two o'clock in the morning in which she was drunk and needed a ride. Now I know her ending up at my place doesn't make much sense unless I was deliberately trying to take advantage of her, but that was simply not the case. She had been over to see me earlier before she went out drinking. Since my house is right next to the street with all the college bars she left her car parked outside and walked over, saying that she may come back if she was to drunk to drive home. Later she got into her friend's car to go to after-hours at some dude's place, forgetting that she had been going to walk back to my place. At 2:15 she realizes that people pretty much everyone at this shindig are at least as ripped as she is and in no condition to drive. by her own admission she probably shouldn't have gotten into her friend's car to come to the party.
So she calls me and in my infinite compassion (HA) I go pick her up and let her sleep it off in my bed.
I've had a while to think about this now, and I've come to the conclusion that I may indeed be using her. Not in the sexual sense, because there are simpler ways to alleviate that desire which are open but I shun. Rather in the sense of someone to share random moments with. Just someone to fill a space while life occurs around us. It would be nicer of me if I just got a dog and didn't use people like that.
But then again that wasn't what she was talking about, she really meant in the physical sense, and I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining, but it's been like junior high all over again.
In the end I'll admit I've used a few people. But I think it's something that everyone does. People have used me way more. Neither of those statements makes any difference, the fact is that I don't appreciate being used and hate it when I find I've been doing it.

Strong as Steel,
Iron