I've been meaning to update for some time now. The trouble is that every time I mean to write one of two problems arises. The first problem involves having smoked the chronic and thus having no motivation to write. Moreover when this is the case, I find it preferable to keep my thoughts locked away inside my head, lest I should read them later and discover that they don't read the way I would like them to. The second problem involves not having a way to articulate my thoughts even though I'm stone sober.

In a way the problems are one in the same. Either way I still think and in both situations it all stays in my head, which means that it's eventually forgotten.

So what have I been thinking about lately? Well, for the last week my head has been full of a girl. Bree was kind enough tonight to point out that I have a crush on her. Though I hate to use that word, or admit that I ever have crushes, that's what it is. I met her once and I'm smitten. I would say that I don't remember the last time I felt like this, except that I do and something about that causes a little ball of fear to grow in my stomach.

Bree was also kind enough to point out the fact that she has a boyfriend. Which I had sort of counted on. It's really the theme of my life, tragically attracted to girls that I have absolutely no chance with. As far as life themes go I sort of got stuck with a shitty one.

Is that it then? This whole entry is one long bitch session? First about how I can't seem to write about my thoughts in this place anymore and then about how yet another unattainable female presence has entered my life to frustrate and confuse me.

It's like I've said before, like I was telling Peter tonight. There are times when I wouldn't mind dying. Not that I'd actively participate in my own demise, but if I happened to snuff it I wouldn't mind.

Tonight is one of those moments. Nearly every disapointment that could be seems to have merged on this one night.

I'm going to sleep now. Maybe I'll wake up. Whatever.

Iron