My biggest failing seems to be that I can't make her happy. When we're together everything seems alright, but then when we're apart it seems like everything falls to shit. I worry sometimes about the way things are going. I know that we love each other, that's not really the question. I know that she enriches my life and makes me a better person, there's no doubt of that. I know that I want to be with her so that I can take care of her and try to make sure that she's never sad, I fail at this alot. What I don't know is if I'm good for her. Do I make her life better? Do I help her grow as a person? Is she happy with me?

If the answer to these questions is no, then I question whether or not we should be together. If I can't do these things then is there someone else out there who can? I love her with all my heart, and it tears me to even contemplate any of this. But I can't help it, she means so much to me that I would rather see her happy with someone else than miserable with me.

The other day we went to a movie. Big Fish, the new Tim Burton film. It was good, but something didn't seem right when Bonnie first showed up. I was happy to see her, but something seemed missing. When I hugged her it seemed that something wasn't the same. It seemed that there was some sort of tension between us that I couldn't quite place. A barrier that defies my explanation. It seemed to dissolve over the course of the evening (at least partly) but we still weren't exactly peas in a pod.

Peas in a pod. Come to think of it I don't want to be a pea in a pod with bonnie. Why would I want that? To be the same, almost identical. I don't want the person I'm with to think exactly the same as I do. What good would that be? Where would be the challenge in that? There would be no growth, just stagnation. And if there is one thing I hate it's stagnation.

Really I think I'd rather be like peas and carrots. Different, but going well together.

She wants me to change, and I agree that there are things about me that are wrong. There are things about me that even I don't like. But the process of change is never easy, old habits die hard. I point to my arizona trip as a perfect example.

Arizona, the first time I'd smoked in 6 months. All I have to say is that Joe was right (both of them). I knew he was no matter how long I quit for, it will never ever be like the first time ever again. The first time... Jeannie's house, out in the garage. That takes me back. To a simpler time if not a better one.

I guess the overall conclusion is that I want bonnie to be happy more than I want to be with her, and if I can't fulfill her needs then I need to let someone else try.

In other news, I got a job. I can't have facial hair though so the beard has to go. I apologize to those who like the beard, but I need the job more than I need hair on my face. This isn't like summer of senior year, I can't afford to stand on principles anymore. I can't help but feel that I'm slightly wrong in comprimising, but that seems to be the way of the world. Give something to get something.

Every metal has a breaking point,

Iron