Everyone should read the DSC's livejournal. I did, and it made me remember the bad times, and the good ones that came after. I felt like I was in some sort of violation reading it seeing as how she and I were never exactly the best of friends.

Why wasn't I smarter back then? Why did I try for so long to win the respect of losers? Why did I have to wait until the last year to find real friends? Why did I spend so much time being miserable and not enough being happy? Why did I allow girls who were less mature than myself run me through such an emotional hell? Why didn't I tell anyone about the troubles I had? How in the dark days in the depth of my own thought did I hold on?

I have few answers to these hard questions. I've had an easy life compared to some, but every life is hard.

I feel like in the last four years I've gone from a child to a reasoning adult, what scares me is that I have no idea where to go from here. But it's been like this before. As a matter of fact it's always been this way. I've never known exactly what to do. But somehow, one foot has always gone in front of the other striding into the bright future.

the bright future dims and fades into a final sunset these days though. And I wait for life to explode in my face. Maybe it won't happen, but in my experience it always does.

On a lighter note grandma sent me cookies and apple bread yesterday. Which reminds me that there are some things about home that I miss. Make that 3 things.

As always when she's not around I miss my Bonnie. I miss her laugh. I miss her crazy sense of humor. I miss her mischevious streak. sigh, enough of this. It's only making me miss her more.

I want to write something. Something that says something about something. Something that means something.

Who'd ever think I'd have a problem once I had it all laid out like that.