What follows is the full text of a speech by the monkeypres (aka Bush II). It is courtesy of the guardian press. The text within parenteses is my own addition. I think that should cover my legal base.

Good evening. I have asked for this time to keep you informed of America's actions in the war on terror(aka quest for wealth and power).

Nearly two years ago, following deadly attacks on our country, we began a systematic campaign against terrorism(translation: We attacked some countries). These months have been a time of new responsibilities, and sacrifice, and national resolve and great progress(translation: I've deprived lots of people of their civil liberties and sent many to die, on the up side, my buddies are getting rich).

America and a broad coalition acted first in Afghanistan, by destroying the training camps of terror, and removing the regime that harboured al Qaeda (They're back now, but who pays attention to afghanistan these days?). In a series of raids and actions around the world, nearly two-thirds of al Qaeda's known leaders have been captured or killed(they have more), and we continue on al Qaeda's trail(translation: we have no idea where they are). We have exposed terrorist front groups(translation: we knew who they were already, we just decided to let you know so you would feel afraid and not argue with us), seized terrorist accounts(now we have their money and all our money, we're filthy fucking rich now), taken new measures to protect our homeland(the next step to this is locking up everyone, no people on the streets= secure), and uncovered sleeper cells inside the United States(translation: We arrested a bunch of black guys and are holding them without charges).

And we acted in Iraq, where the former regime sponsored terror(we needed an excuse), possessed and used weapons of mass destruction(okay, we made this one up), and for 12 years defied the clear demands of the United Nations security council(except that part where he let inspectors in and we decided it wasn't good enough). Our coalition enforced these international demands(Can you say unilateral children?) in one of the swiftest and most humane military campaigns in history(I suppose that even humanity is a relative concept).

For a generation leading up to September the 11th, 2001, terrorists and their radical allies(we're hoping you'll assume this means Iraq) attacked innocent people in the Middle East and beyond(we didn't really care about this until something happened to America), without facing a sustained and serious response(and of course the answer to violence is...more violence). The terrorists became convinced that free nations were decadent and weak(we showed them. we can bully weaker nations with the best of them). And they grew bolder, believing that history was on their side(history is written by the victors, ie Us). Since America put out the fires of September the 11th, and mourned our dead, and went to war, history has taken a different turn. We have carried the fight to the enemy(Yup, because obviously it was Iraq who was behind september 11th, oops, we mean it was the taliban, I mean, al quaeda...who are we fighting right now?). We are rolling back the terrorist threat to civilization(as more and more americans die in the middle east), not on the fringes of its influence, but at the heart of its power.

This work continues. In Iraq, we are helping the long suffering people of that country to build a decent and democratic society at the center of the Middle East(They're shooting us and we assume that means they want us to stay). Together we are transforming a place of torture chambers and mass graves into a nation of laws(to be broken in mass looting sprees) and free institutions(which will make us hella profits). This undertaking is difficult and costly -- yet worthy of our country(me and my oil buddies), and critical to our (financial)security.

The Middle East will either become a place of progress and peace, or it will be an exporter of violence and terror that takes more lives in America and in other free nations(translation: either we're gonna fix it or fuck it up bad). The triumph of democracy and tolerance in Iraq, in Afghanistan and beyond would be a grave setback for international terrorism(Yeah, unfortunately the deaths of many civilians including mothers fathers and children has just spawned the next wave of terrorist soldiers, good job). The terrorists thrive on the support of tyrants(you mean people who keep order through a military presence, who could that describe?) and the resentments of oppressed peoples(and conquered peoples). When tyrants fall, and resentment gives way to hope, men and women in every culture reject the ideologies of terror, and turn to the pursuits of peace. Everywhere that freedom takes hold, terror will retreat(so terror and freedom are mutually exclusive? That's funny, because america is free and is full of terrified people).

Our enemies understand this. They know that a free Iraq will be free of them -- free of assassins(we like to call them problem solvers), and torturers(information gathering specialists), and secret police(No new name for these guys, they're just not secret anymore). They know that as democracy rises in Iraq, all of their hateful ambitions will fall like the statues of the former dictator(or the people will now vote to kill americans instead). And that is why, five months after we liberated Iraq, a collection of killers is desperately trying to undermine Iraq's progress and throw the country into chaos(I tell myself this every night before I go to sleep).

Some of the attackers are members of the old Saddam regime, who fled the battlefield and now fight in the shadows. Some of the attackers are foreign terrorists, who have come to Iraq to pursue their war on America and other free nations. We cannot be certain to what extent these groups work together. We do know they have a common goal -- reclaiming Iraq for tyranny. (Oh did I mention that some of these guys shooting at us are just Iraqis that don't like us invading their country?)

Most, but not all, of these killers operate in one area of the country. The attacks you have heard and read about in the last few weeks have occurred predominantly in the central region of Iraq, between Baghdad and Tikrit -- Saddam Hussein's former stronghold. The north of Iraq is generally stable and is moving forward with reconstruction and self-government. The same trends are evident in the south, despite recent attacks by terrorist groups.

Though their attacks are localized, the terrorists and Saddam loyalists have done great harm. They have ambushed American and British service members -- who stand for freedom and order(another one of those pre-sleep mantras). They have killed civilian aid workers of the United Nations(we kill civilians with bad shooting, they kill civilians with bad shooting, it all works out.) -- who represent the compassion and generosity of the world. They have bombed the Jordanian embassy -- the symbol of a peaceful Arab country. And last week they murdered a respected cleric and over a hundred Muslims at prayer -- bombing a holy shrine and a symbol of Islam's peaceful teachings(Muslim extremist terrorist blow up a muslim shrine, something just seems fishy about that).

This violence is directed not only against our coalition, but against anyone in Iraq who stands for decency, and freedom and progress.

There is more at work in these attacks than blind rage. The terrorists have a strategic goal. They want us to leave Iraq before our work is done. They want to shake the will of the civilized world. In the past, the terrorists have cited the examples of Beirut and Somalia, claiming that if you inflict harm on Americans, we will run from a challenge. In this, they are mistaken (nope, we want to continue fighting people who we can't catch, just like in vietnam, we're big on this).

Two years ago, I told the Congress and the country that the war on terror would be a lengthy war, a different kind of war, fought on many fronts in many places. Iraq is now the central front(Of what? This isn't world war II. There is no other front, it's just us and Iraq they're not allied with anyone, even if you did make up some axis of evil idea). Enemies of freedom are making a desperate stand there -- and there they must be defeated. This will take time and require sacrifice(I'm going to send more people to die, spend alot more money, and you're probly going to be alot less free when this is all over). Yet we will do what is necessary, we will spend what is necessary, to achieve this essential victory in the war on terror, to promote freedom and to make our own nation more secure.

America has done this kind of work before. Following World War II, we lifted up the defeated nations of Japan and Germany, and stood with them as they built representative governments(whoa buddy, didn't I just get done saying that this isn't WWII?). We committed years and resources to this cause. And that effort has been repaid many times over in three generations of friendship and peace. America today accepts the challenge of helping Iraq in the same spirit -- for their sake, and our own.

Our strategy in Iraq has three objectives: destroying the terrorists, enlisting the support of other nations for a free Iraq and helping Iraqis assume responsibility for their own defense and their own future.

First, we are taking direct action against the terrorists in the Iraqi theater, which is the surest way to prevent future attacks on coalition forces and the Iraqi people(We don't know what we're going to do, but it's going to be big and it's going to cost alot). We are staying on the offensive(this means more killing), with a series of precise strikes(ok, smart bombs really aren't that smart) against enemy targets increasingly guided by intelligence given to us by Iraqi citizens.

Since the end of major combat operations, we have conducted raids seizing many caches of enemy weapons and massive amounts of ammunition(yeah, you'd think that these people had been defending a country or something), and we have captured or killed hundreds of Saddam loyalists and terrorists. So far, of the 55 most wanted former Iraqi leaders, 42 are dead or in custody. We are sending a clear message: anyone who seeks to harm our soldiers can know that our soldiers are hunting for them.

Second, we are committed to expanding international cooperation in the reconstruction and security of Iraq, just as we are in Afghanistan. Our military commanders in Iraq advise me that the current number of American troops -- nearly 130,000 -- is appropriate to their mission. They are joined by over 20,000 service members from 29 other countries. Two multinational divisions, led by the British and the Poles, are serving alongside our forces -- and in order to share the burden more broadly, our commanders have requested a third multinational division to serve in Iraq(didn't he just say there were enough troops?).

Some countries have requested an explicit authorization of the United Nations Security Council before committing troops to Iraq. I have directed Secretary of State Colin Powell to introduce a new Security Council resolution, which would authorize the creation of a multinational force in Iraq, to be led by America.

I recognize that not all of our friends agreed with our decision to enforce the Security Council resolutions and remove Saddam Hussein from power(it didn't matter, since it was the big oil interests that counted). Yet we cannot let past differences interfere with present duties. Terrorists in Iraq have attacked representatives of the civilized world(we don't care if they kill uncivilized [ie unchristian] people), and opposing them must be the cause of the civilized world. Members of the United Nations now have an opportunity -- and the responsibility -- to assume a broader role in assuring that Iraq becomes a free and democratic nation(even though we told them to go screw themselves before the war).

Third, we are encouraging the orderly transfer of sovereignty and authority to the Iraqi people(except where it concerns their national resources, those we're keeping). Our coalition came to Iraq as liberators and we will depart as liberators. Right now Iraq has its own Governing Council, comprised of 25 leaders representing Iraq's diverse people. The Governing Council recently appointed cabinet ministers to run government departments. Already more than 90 percent of towns and cities have functioning local governments, which are restoring basic services. We're helping to train civil defense forces to keep order(so they'll know exactly what to do next time we invade), and an Iraqi police service to enforce the law(and keep people away from oil wells), a facilities protection service(more oil well protection), Iraqi border guards to help secure the borders, and a new Iraqi army(see civil defense). In all these roles, there are now some 60,000 Iraqi citizens under arms, defending the security of their own country, and we are accelerating the training of more(look whose got a training camp now).

Iraq is ready to take the next steps toward self-government. The Security Council resolution we introduce will encourage Iraq's Governing Council to submit a plan and a timetable for the drafting of a constitution and for free elections. From the outset, I have expressed confidence in the ability of the Iraqi people to govern themselves. Now they must rise to the responsibilities of a free people and secure the blessings of their own liberty.

Our strategy in Iraq will require new resources. We have conducted a thorough assessment of our military and reconstruction needs in Iraq, and also in Afghanistan. I will soon submit to Congress a request for $87 billion (of money that we don't have). The request will cover ongoing military and intelligence operations in Iraq, Afghanistan and elsewhere, which we expect will cost $66 billion over the next year. This budget request will also support our commitment to helping the Iraqi and Afghan people rebuild their own nations, after decades of oppression and mismanagement(they oppressed our interests and didn't give us anything). We will provide funds to help them improve security. And we will help them to restore basic services, such as electricity and water, and to build new schools, roads, and medical clinics(since we sanctioned and bombed the old ones out of existence). This effort is essential to the stability of those nations, and therefore, to our own security. Now and in the future, we will support our troops and we will keep our word to the more than 50 million people of Afghanistan and Iraq.

Later this month, Secretary Powell will meet with representatives of many nations to discuss their financial contributions to the reconstruction of Afghanistan. Next month, he will hold a similar funding conference for the reconstruction of Iraq. Europe, Japan and states in the Middle East all will benefit from the success of freedom in these two countries, and they should contribute to that success(even though we told them to screw off when the war started).

The people of Iraq are emerging from a long trial. For them, there will be no going back to the days of the dictator(only forward to the puppet government we're putting in), to the miseries and humiliation he inflicted on that good country(nope, new miseries and new humiliation). For the Middle East and the world, there will be no going back to the days of fear, when a brutal and aggressive tyrant possessed terrible weapons(ok, like I said before, we made this one up, cheney said it would work). And for America, there will be no going back to the era before September the 11th, 2001 -- to false comfort in a dangerous world(yup, the more afraid you are the easier you are to control). We have learned that terrorist attacks are not caused by the use of strength; they are invited by the perception of weakness(Like a weak Iraq and afghanistan as opposed to North Korea). And the surest way to avoid attacks on our own people is to engage the enemy where he lives and plans(translation: we're gonna blow up their stuff because the might blow up ours). We are fighting that enemy in Iraq and Afghanistan today so that we do not meet him again on our own streets, in our own cities(not him, just his sons, grandsons, and all his descendants who will hate us after we kill him.)

The heaviest burdens in our war on terror fall, as always, on the men and women of our Armed Forces and our intelligence services. They have removed gathering threats to America and our friends, and this nation takes great pride in their incredible achievements. We are grateful for their skill and courage, and for their acts of decency, which have shown America's character to the world. We honor the sacrifice of their families. And we mourn every American who has died so bravely, so far from home(Can't argue with any of this).

The Americans who assume great risk overseas understand the great cause they are in (I don't know this really, I've never been in the army overseas). Not long ago, I received a letter from a captain in the 3rd Infantry Division in Baghdad. He wrote about his pride in serving a just cause, and about the deep desire of Iraqis for liberty. "I see it," he said, "in the eyes of a hungry people every day here. They are starved for freedom and opportunity." And he concluded, "I just thought you'd like a note from the 'front lines of freedom.'" That Army captain, and all of our men and women serving in the war on terror, are on the front lines of freedom. And I want each of them to know, your country thanks you, and your country supports you.

Fellow citizens: We've been tested these past 24 months, and the dangers have not passed. Yet Americans are responding with courage and confidence. We accept the duties of our generation. We are active and resolute in our own defense(by defense I mean invading other countries). We are serving in freedom's cause -- and that is the cause of all mankind.

Thank you, and may God continue to bless America (and no place else?).

End Speech

So there you have it, straight from the monkey's mouth. Ah well, what else can one expect? Not much where the US government is concerned I guess.

Maybe I'll get back to matters a little closer to home tommorow, until then I'm just going to sleep and dream of a world that makes sense.

Strong as steel, yet still malleable

Iron