I'd like to write about last night. But I'm not really sure I can. Last night was...strange. For some reason my mood was drifting somewhere between anger and contentment. Strange swing isn't it? I guess it really came back to something Bonnie said earlier in the day. A question. "What are you good at?" I'm fairly sure that it was just an idle question, something to pass time. But it really threw me for a loop. As far as I can tell, I'm not really good at anything. There isn't a key thing that makes me...me. I guess seeing Peer Gynt didn't really help the situation any. A play that is pretty much about the search for self. The only thing that I came up with is that I don't think I'm selfish. As far as I can tell, I'm fairly good at maintaining a mostly altruistic existence. But is that a positive?

I've argued that altruism is the greatest of human virtues. But where exactly is it getting me? As far as I can tell, the only place it's getting me is stepped on. But can I radically change that? For so long, I've tried to be marxist about my time, my possesions, everything. But all that seems to happen is people taking advantage of it. And if it isn't influencing anyone else, what is the point? Of course, the point is to make me a better person, but what of that? So I'm a better person who is left with nothing.

But what do I have? What is it that I can offer the world. What is it that I'm good at? Not just profecient, really good at. So far as I can tell. Nothing. Well, maybe one thing... But if I lose that, then what? And fear sets in.

So that was the thought pattern last night. Rather depressing.

And I'm getting really sick of Poo being an ass all the time. I mean it's real cute and all, but it really wears after a while. It's like he always has to be trying to prove that he's smarter, and his favorite target is basically anyone who's talking. Which makes it really hard to try to explain anything in his presence, because he immediately attacks it, even if it's only half formed. I recall the last time I recognized similar tactics was in junior high. There was always somebody who was all to ready to build themselves up by ripping someone else apart. At the time I remember thinking that things would change as I got older. But no, behavior patterns are the same across the board, what one learns early, one sticks with as long as it works.

Hopefully my application to U of Minn. will come back positive. Some hope for the future would be nice.

Strong as steel, smelted and liquid

-Iron