I have a bad feeling recently. I think that it stems from my recent lack of direction. Once again, I've come to a point in my life where the path is uncertain. There are certain things that I know I want, but how exactly to go about getting them is the problem. Some of these things seem entirely impossible given current trends and situations, but that doesn't stop me from desiring them.

I feel like an ass for dropping in on Bonnie right before she left for home. I wanted to so I did, but that wasn't really fair. Hannah is really in the right being pissed off about it.

Lately, certain actions I've taken have been intensely irrational, something which is not usually a problem. In searching for a reason, I have only myself to blame. For over a year, I kept my emotions completely shut down. So now that they appear to be running again, they take control and don't wait for analysis. This is a failure that I must correct for the future.

I may as well admit it. I have no fucking clue what I'm doing. Everything these days is uncharted waters, and the gale is only blowing me further into the unknown.

Fuck it. It's times like these when I jsut have to roll with the punches and wait for the right moment.

I wonder how many more crappy metaphors I can fit in one entry. I don't think I'm going to bore everyone finding out.

Bent and battered, but still holding

Iron

I finished writing this entry, and then thought some more. Now I feel like I want to rant a bit.

Why is it that people seem to think that I don't have emotions? Why is it that I get stepped on all the goddam time? Taken for granted. Pushed around. marginalized, cannibalized (intelectually rather than physically), euthanized (figuratively). Why? I have emotions, I jsut don't choose to wear them on my goddam sleeve. And what the fuck is wrong with that? I try as hard as I can not to burden others with my existence. And what do I get? The same in return? No, I get crapped on. I am goddam sick of being fucking ignored. Fuck you and your stupid petty problems. I have fucking problems myself, the difference is I don't unload them on people. But I'm back to using the word fuck just a bit to much. Basically, the message I'm getting from everyone (indirectly of course) is that they don't appreciate anything I do, and would serve jsut as well lying in front of their door wating for people to wipe their muddy shoes on me. Well tonight I'm not hesitating to say (write) it. Fuck You. I strive to help other people as much as I possibly can, and what does it get me? Nothing, nad, zip, zilch, zero. Fuck You. I'm just so sick of trying.

Note: There are people at whom this rant is not directed. I have a feeling you know who you are.