"Love her? Man, I dunno. I worship the ground she walks on...so...yeah, I guess I love her."

-Heroin Bob, SLC pUnK

Bonnie came down again this weekend. A day doesn't go by that I don't fall for her just a little bit more. What the hell am I doing anyway? I just keep trying to be as good as possible without overdoing it, but it's hard not to sometimes. Maybe I already am overdoing it.

What the hell am I supposed to do? I can't make her love me, can I? So I just sit around and wait, hoping she doesn't learn something about me that will get me dropped like a bad habit. She says she doesn't know what to do, and it's feels like I'm trying to force the issue all the time, but I'm not. I just want her to come to her own decision, and while it may not be a decision I like, it's one that I'm going to have to live with and abide by.

Am I a nice guy? I mean, am I? As much as I try to be I still always end up feeling like an asshole. I feel guilty for everything.

I don't know how to say everything that I'm feeling, and that bothers me. I should be able to express everything I feel in writing, but it's just too complex right now.

I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know what to do next.

Yet somehow in the midst of my confusion and befuddlement, I am strangely contented. Slightly less so now that the mattress once again leans against the wall, but contented nonetheless.

maybe I'll just go potsmoke...

peace by piece,

Ryan

"If you secretly get into a kangaroo's pocket, and she begins to jump away, be prepared for a bumpy ride."

-Winnie the Poo