I'm supermadlyultra pissed, I wasn't this way like five seconds ago either. Maybe i'm being insanely illogical. But I don't give a fuck. The way I see it right now, I've just woken up to the fact that no one really gives a fuck about me. Take everyones diary just for instance. I on one hand have a whole list of people I consider to be my friends. But many others, I don't rate high enough to be thought of when entering names. Fuck that, fuck you guys, I'm done being all nice and shit, I want to go back to being the huge asshole that I used to be. At least then people didn't pretend that they were my friends, and the friends I had weren't about to just up and forget about me.

Dammit, yah know what else pisses me off. That's right, I'm going on with being pissed at the world. No one cares about how they affect my life. I'm insignificant, I'm sure that there are a lot of people who know that they affect my life greatly, but none of them really care that they do, it's just a side effect of them doing nothing.

Yah know what else really makes me mad, people whining about how there is a hidden-self, and how they have this shell that they use to hide from certain people. Where were all of you bastards last year when I was going through that crisis. And let me tell you something, as soon as you figure out that your "facade" is actually your personality, and the "inner you" is also your personality, the whole thing becomes a pseudo-crisis, and you'll feel much better.

But why am writing this, the people who I want to reach will never read it because you know what? they don't care...

But enough of being supermadlyultra pissed, that's in the past. Well, not entirely. I totally forgot that the superbowl was tonight, I didn't even know it was on until I got to my brother's house, I was just taking him some beer and saying hi, and I got to sit for a while and drink the jungle juice that elson made.

I got very stoned twice this week, I am in possesion of some stuff that I really enjoy, if you're reading this and you want to come and smoke a bowl with me some time in the next week just ask (conrad, I'm looking in your direction). But seriously, I'm a bad boy, drugs are bad. Or maybe just the company I had the second time was horrible. Brad invited olivia over, and I really don't like her, I thought that I could stand her, because I was pretty wasted, but I was wrong. I ended up playing guitar with jesse, just because I would have hit her otherwise.

I don't think that I'm really as violent as people think, you'd have to get me pretty pissed before I'd go off on anyone, but once I'm ready to kill, you don't want to be around, because anything can trigger it. But really, I'm not that violent. It's just handy for people to assume I am, because it makes it easier to intimidate people I don't like.

But really...I don't buy this crap about people not being themselves, that's a load of crap, and I'm pretty sure that either A:Everyone does it, so it's a moot point and everyone should just shut the hell up, OR B: It doesn't really happen at all, and people just think it does because their different groups of friends make them feel different, OR C: It doesn't really happen, and lots of people are making shit up to make themselves feel better (or special, but seeing as how everyone and their mothers claims that this is happening, it can't be that special)

Maybe it's jsut me and I'm a cynical bastard. Hmmm...

Oh, on the lighter side, my evil twin (the DSC) I'm pretty sure she hates me. So yeah, that's just peachy (spoken only in vowels). BLAAM!! I mean honestly, how can I work so hard to be friends with some people and still have them hate me. ooh, and bree, I think bree hates me too, maybe not hate, but I sense that she is not so fond of my presence. hmmm...who else hates me, julie I think is in the same category as bree. Conrad? I don't know where I stand with him, but then again, no one really does know. I'd like to think that Conrad is my friend. But back to the point, people who hate me, there's the obvious, steve and erika, but I don't care about them. I'll think of other people who hate me later.

It's like everyone is playing games. Everyone has something special that they do. Everyone is in on some joke. Everyone has read some book. Everyone is laughing for some reason and I don't know why, so I just assume sometimes that they're laughing at poor stupid me, and it pisses me off.

People play their games with their close friends, but I'm never one of those friends. So they go on with the games, and leave me to wonde what it would be like to play with them. It's like being five years old, and watching all theneighborhood kids playing baseball, and then wish I had the courage to go and ask to join. Instead yah just sit there on the edge of the outfield and hope someone will trip over you and notice that you're there.

People have that special thing that defines who they are. I don't think I have that, I don't think I havea catch phrase. I don't have a habitual movement. I have nothing that makes me rememberable. Nothing that people would stop and say "That just what Toppin does all the time" I've tried to be new, and original, and spontaneous, but all I am is a fraud with nothing to call my own.

Everyone has their fucking jokes, that i never get. Like someone'll stop and go "remember that one time..." and everyone will start laughing, because they remember that time, meanwhile I just sit, looking like a fool (as per usual). So then this goes down as one of the tiems when I was the one bringing the group down.

People seem to always have read something that I haven't, but that is insignificant, because even if I read the book, they'll either A: Get mad that i read something, and thus have invaded their club of people who are in the know, OR B:they have already moved on to some other book, and I am now just as in the dark, OR C: Start talking about the movie instead so I look like a moron who doesn't know what the fuck he's saying (as per usual).

People laugh alot, and when i don't understand I have a tendency to just assume the worst. I think that alot of the time, I invent problems that aren't there. So, maybe that's what I'm doing right now, but I don't think it is.

I think that's about it, and for those of you who enjoyed this week's censored entries, and are appauled that i would write some hing like this, you can all suck it. But I'll probly have over a month of censored writing before another outburst of honesty, so "be well". I wonder if anyone has bothered to read this far. (or read at all)

Peace out all-

Ryan William Demetrius Toppin